By Paolo Shaoul
This summer has been an insufferably long one.
In fact it seems like an eternity since we were last all together, experiencing the thrills and spills, the highs and lows of the greatest sport known to man. And now following two months of intrigue and intense debating about who’s going to change sides and who’s going to remain loyal, we’ve finally reached the start of a glorious new season.
Yes parliament is back.
Now, this is the time of year when fantasy football fanatics the nation over are to be seen pouring over budgets and congratulating themselves continually over their ‘hilarious’ dream team name. So here at Elysium Magazine, to mark the start of British politics’ very own new “season”, we’re selecting our very own “Cabinet Dream Team” – a veritable feast of personality, celebrity and talent from every walk of life.
First things first, the budget. We’ve awarded ourselves a grand total of £1billion to secure some really tasty names and as with any fantasy team, we’ve gone for a blend of youth and experience. Secondly, our dream team will be made up of predominantly British men and women – but we’ve allowed ourselves a “flair” pick from outside the UK – just to spice it up a little. Here’s our ‘dream cabinet team’ – what about yours?
1. Position: Prime Minister
Name: Karren Brady
Why? Will wear any opposition down with her unswerving determination and graceful beauty.
2. Position: Deputy Prime Minister
Name: David Beckham
Why? Inoffensive, well-liked and unlikely to rock the boat. Even unlikelier to argue with Karren.
3. Position: Chancellor of the Exchequer
Name: Arsene Wenger
Why? Exceptionally tight with money and will only spend if absolutely necessary.
4. Position: Home Secretary
Name: Susanna Reid
Why? Understands “life in Britain”, the media and how to use it. Is also the woman that other women want to emulate and men want to marry the most. And when has any British Home Secretary ever had those credentials?
5. Position: Foreign Secretary
Name: Stephen Fry
Why? Who else would be better – and more articulate – at representing British interests abroad?
6. Position: Business Secretary
Name: Levi Roots
Why? Levi embodies everything good about making it in modern day Britain. From a market stall in Brixton to a global business empire – and all while playing a guitar. Let’s face it he’d inspire a lot more people than Vince Cable.
7. Position: Health Secretary
Name: Shaun Ryder
Why? Shaun knows exactly what is good and what is bad for us. Healthy living isn’t all about abstaining; it’s about being happy and fulfilled and doing what you want. Which is exactly where Shaun comes in.
8. Position: Education Secretary
Name: J.K. Rowling
Why? Well who would you rather educate our children – the world’s most magical and inventive writer. Or Michael Gove?
9. Position: Justice Secretary
Name: Rowan Atkinson
Why? You really do need a good sense of humour to deal with the British penal system.
10. Position: Defence Secretary
Name: Frank Bruno
Why? Let’s face it you wouldn’t f**k with Frank. In fact you’re more likely to want to cuddle him, which is a far greater deterrent than WMDs.
11. Position: Transport Secretary
Name: Sir Bradley Wiggins
Why? Will get everyone travelling with far more style and panache
Environment Secretary: Banksy
Wales Secretary: Shirley Bassey
Scotland Secretary: Sean Connery
N.Ireland Secretary: Adele
Chief Whip: Cynthia Payne
Work & Pensions Secretary: Bez