Parliament Dream Team

By Paolo Shaoul


This summer has been an insufferably long one.


In fact it seems like an eternity since we were last all together, experiencing the thrills and spills, the highs and lows of the greatest sport known to man. And now following two months of intrigue and intense debating about who’s going to change sides and who’s going to remain loyal, we’ve finally reached the start of a glorious new season.


Yes parliament is back.


Now, this is the time of year when fantasy football fanatics the nation over are to be seen pouring over budgets and congratulating themselves continually over their ‘hilarious’ dream team name. So here at Elysium Magazine, to mark the start of British politics’ very own new “season”, we’re selecting our very own “Cabinet Dream Team” – a veritable feast of personality, celebrity and talent from every walk of life.


First things first, the budget. We’ve awarded ourselves a grand total of £1billion to secure some really tasty names and as with any fantasy team, we’ve gone for a blend of youth and experience. Secondly, our dream team will be made up of predominantly British men and women – but we’ve allowed ourselves a “flair” pick from outside the UK – just to spice it up a little. Here’s our ‘dream cabinet team’ – what about yours?


1.  Position: Prime Minister


Name: Karren Brady

Cost: £85m

Why? Will wear any opposition down with her unswerving determination and graceful beauty.



2.  Position: Deputy Prime Minister


Name: David Beckham

Cost: £25m

Why? Inoffensive, well-liked and unlikely to rock the boat. Even unlikelier to argue with Karren.



3. Position: Chancellor of the Exchequer


Name: Arsene Wenger

Cost: £76m

Why? Exceptionally tight with money and will only spend if absolutely necessary.



4.  Position: Home Secretary


Name: Susanna Reid

Cost: £117m

Why? Understands “life in Britain”, the media and how to use it. Is also the woman that other women want to emulate and men want to marry the most. And when has any British Home Secretary ever had those credentials?



5.  Position: Foreign Secretary


Name: Stephen Fry

Cost: £82m

Why? Who else would be better – and more articulate – at representing British interests abroad?



6.  Position: Business Secretary


Name: Levi Roots

Cost: £100m

Why? Levi embodies everything good about making it in modern day Britain. From a market stall in Brixton to a global business empire – and all while playing a guitar. Let’s face it he’d inspire a lot more people than Vince Cable.



7.  Position: Health Secretary


Name: Shaun Ryder

Cost: £125m

Why? Shaun knows exactly what is good and what is bad for us. Healthy living isn’t all about abstaining; it’s about being happy and fulfilled and doing what you want. Which is exactly where Shaun comes in.



8.  Position: Education Secretary


Name: J.K. Rowling

Cost: £185m

Why? Well who would you rather educate our children – the world’s most magical and inventive writer. Or Michael Gove?



9.  Position: Justice Secretary


Name: Rowan Atkinson

Cost: £98m

Why? You really do need a good sense of humour to deal with the British penal system.



10.  Position: Defence Secretary


Name: Frank Bruno

Cost: £35m

Why? Let’s face it you wouldn’t f**k with Frank.  In fact you’re more likely to want to cuddle him, which is a far greater deterrent than WMDs.



11.  Position: Transport Secretary


Name: Sir Bradley Wiggins

Cost: £100m

Why? Will get everyone travelling with far more style and panache



Subs Bench:


Environment Secretary: Banksy 

Wales Secretary: Shirley Bassey

Scotland Secretary: Sean Connery

N.Ireland Secretary: Adele

Chief Whip: Cynthia Payne

Work & Pensions Secretary: Bez


Think you have a better Cabinet line-up than our man Paolo? Let us know who makes the cut in your Cabinet Dream Team via Twitter or Facebook!

Amit Chakravarty

Amit Chakravarty

Amit has a refined taste for all things luxury lifestyle, with a particular penchant for men’s style. He’s keen on the latest watches – especially classic timepieces, new drinks, luxury travel, fine dining, executive technology, new gadgets and sports for the discerning gent.